i saw simon cowell. he was less than a feet away from me!

life in london, although always never short of the unpredictable, has been pretty routine so far. i have spent a month in one of the greatest city in the world, and i am getting more comfortable with it as the days pass by. i like it now that i have a better understanding of my surroundings. i know which hyde park exit leads to queen’s gate and the fastest way to chinese food heaven. i remember the road to get those little packets of indo mee and roti canai and nasi lemak just like those back in msia. i know which road not to turn too early on kensington church and which makes a huge u-turn back to nottinghill gate. i am less dependent on public transport and i burn at least 50 calories just by walking everyday.

its coming back. that feeling. just like home. the same one i left back in msia. it is a different feeling altogether when you know your way around and since touchdown at heathrow, i have been without it. it is the one that jumps in right before you start the engine, and runs through while you release the hand-brake and shift into drive. no second thoughts on left or right. that tinge of confidence about not getting lost. that little self-assurance. of things to expect and those totally unexpected.

just before leaving, i gave some thought on what life here would turn out to be. in many ways, things did not turn out quite the way i wanted it. my bed feels ancient, my work table feels so small, the kitchen is terribly outdated and spending money (a lot of it) is easy, and i speak canto most of the time when it really should be english. but in between those shortcomings, so much more has happened. i got a cool roomie, i have met  so many people just remembering their faces takes a moment longer, i found out that tesco actually sells edible stuff that come so cheaply with all those value buys, and where to go to spend 40 minutes sleeping in the lecture theater to get free lunch after almost everyday. so much more than i could ask for. and it has only been a month.

the workload, if you count not the problem sheets, the rather boring tutorials, and computing assignments, has been decent enough for me to laze around and jump about doing almost nothing for the past month. lectures are short and nice and short. makes those history classes back in high school seem like eternity. though having said so, some are still too dull and dry to stay awake. and sleeping in lectures when nobody cares does not seem like a bad take too. after you give it some thought of course. and promise to read when you get back. or at least try to later at night. or the day after.

of all things foreign, the lack of sunlight here and the gloomy skies stands to shorten my excitement most. in fact, it almost pisses me off. having day start before 7 is probably worth welcoming. at least i wake up when i am supposed to. but in return for that, daylight seizes to exist after 5 in the evening. which is just about the time my day ends in imperial. dark skies makes for less productivity and an imposed sense of dampening of spirit. makes me feel tired and beaten just walking back without the sun behind my back. and i lose the chance to use those shades. pitifully kept amongst a whole lot of junk in the messy drawers. and the fact that global warming screwed up the weather, means that my shopping plans have to be rescheduled to be earlier. which, after the recent discovery of whitleys in bayswaters and the drop in currency rate of the UK pounds, sounds just like an awesome thing to do.

i know i have been missing for a long time. but in my defense, i was truly struggling hard to find time for myself. what more to blog and to reply emails. so i am sorry that i did not reply your emails. and i am sorry i left your messages unanswered. in the days to come, my time management skills shall come to an acceptable level. that, i promise you. in the meantime, just blame it on the time difference. 8 hours is too much to handle.

ps. i did see simon cowell! it was the national television awards in the royal albert hall. and boy was i lucky i was coming back from the gym at that time. he really was less than a feet away. looks different than in the telly. not better. not worst. just different. and it snowed for a while last week. and as for the weak attempt of recreating the ice bar back at sanctuary, the snow itself made london a winner right then and there!

all that jazz

it is 5 in the evening n the sun has been shinning gracefully with no clouds in the sky. the distant footsteps and constant chatter of londoners, the occasional breeze and all that jazz ahead brings a jump to the feet. you feel it.

turn right to be greeted with sights of aged old grandfather clocks and signboards of old london and broken ceramics that seemed to hold more history than most of us. indulge yourself in the people and the things they sell. choose to walk where just having people around leans to excitement of the things to come. trains of stalls on both sides down the long road. n the people that make it come to life.

boy, portobello road is one place you can not miss!

the weather played it’s part. n it was great. i put on my flip flops, took my shades and we were gone.

portobello road is just about 5 minutes away from pembridge gardens. the crowd seemed obvious even before the market began. the actual road is pretty long but if u take a stroll, put that together with the vast amount of things to feast your eyes on n filled your mouth with, walking for more than 3 hours is not really tiring. as i found out today : )

this was just the road leading to portobello road.

this is portobello road.

the actual road is probably longer i guess, but the market itself stretches to about 2 hours worth of walking. it starts with antiques, new goods, vegetable and fruits, then the flea n golborne market n ends again with new goods. in the middle stands many little food stalls selling anything n everything from burgers to frankfurters to spanish rice. n all those little things like crystal bottles n ‘i love london’ hoods n even antique telescopes.

i caught him singing ’streets of london’. it really set the mood.

this was a crowd favorite. i wanted to get it so badly. but it was a little out of budget sadly. 6 pounds!

this was about half way through the market when we stopped and bought blackberries.

fruits and vegetables are readily available in wide variety here n they all look especially fresh.

did i say about the weather? it was the best so far. if only everyday in london could be like today.

wish i could say some. it is just something u have to come see for yourself! holla me if u get to notting hill n we walk to the end of the road together! ( i did not get to walk to the end today too )

there is a bbq going on in the garden. more free food. more of the weather. i am going : )

notting hill gate

i guess about now everyone knows that i am no longer in msia. well, that is unless this is the first time you are reading my blog. as you should know, i am in london now. currently reading in Imperial College. it is 3 04pm here now. Wednesday. it is sunny outside. n i saw lots of dogs being walked about on the way back from university. one of them rammed into a tree and started barking. like a dog. at the tree. in the park.

i got here exactly a week ago. stayed in a B&B till Saturday when i moved into my hall of residence. today, i am finally free to blog. the past few days have been short lived. i always run out of time to get things done. basically, my mornings till early evenings are spent in university. by the time i get back, i am either too tired or too lazy to go back out. besides, the shops around london close at about 6 or 7. n it really is too cold to go out shopping when daylight fades away and there is not any sunshine to warm the cold winds of October.

to be fair, my hall is pretty convenient in that mostly everything is near-by like the banks, the groceries stalls, Portobello Road, and Bayswater which is like a second Chinatown. they serve up a good amount of Chinese food eateries there and Four Seasons is there too! if you are a fan of roast duck, then by all means you must have the roast duck in Four Seasons because it is legendary. i walked past it just a few days ago and it was packed and there was a queue too. people braved the cold and the unforgiving wind just for the duck!

walking here is quite nice and enjoyable if it is a slow walk where you take in everything around you. but if you are in a little hurry and have to dash, the long distance eventually gets to you and your feet get tired quick. to get to university, i have to walk quite a distance. I have tried a dash, that takes about 20 minutes. if I were to walk at normal pace, it would take around 30 minutes. so it just means that i will have to rush to university everyday if i want more time to sleep. which sucks really bad. makes me want a car. or a helicopter. or maybe just a bicycle. maybe i should learn to skate or roller blade instead.

i took some pictures on the way to university yesterday. n some during the fresher’s fair.

embassy road.

hyde park. where the dog rammed the tree.

kensington gardens. i think.

along hyde park.

prince consort road. the royal albert hall is on the left. imperial is on the right.

royal albert hall!

the sherfield building.

junior common room. for food.

the queen’s tower. some say you can see the queen’s room from the top of the tower. some say a student tried to jump off to the queen’s lawn beside it. everyone says it is closed. so i can not go up and find out : (

My room is pretty much what i paid for. I guess there really is not anything you can complain about. i have a room mate though. he is polish. n he is six feet tall. his name is bart. n he likes the simpsons. hehe

one part of the bathroom.

the other part of the bathroom.

my side of the room from the entrance.

and that is it. 80.15 pounds per week.

the weather here is bearable. as of now i can still manage to go to university with just a t-shirt and jeans. it gets windy at times and only gets a little cold at night outside. i have to shop for some jumpers too also but i will probably do later on. public transport in london is really good although it can be a little expensive. for msians at least. i have traveled by tube enough to be comfortable with it. though i would prefer walking if possible. the tube cost 1.50 pound per single journey with an oyster card ( like touch n go ). the bus system is another wonder. and it is not that expensive, only 90 pence per single journey. and some runs all though the night! savior for all those clubbing sessions till early morning.

so far i have not gone sight seeing much. only place i can say i have seen is, the royal albert hall which is next to imperial, oxford street to shop for stuff, chinatown and pretty close to it the west end theaters, and as of last night the river thames. my hall hired a boat and we partied on it along the thames from late evening. the view is really something. plus, it was at night. and we had drinks. and the boat rocked on several occasions. while we were dancing to the music. then we waved at the people on those bridges we went under. and they waved back! ang mor people so friendly hor. lol

the london eye. at night!

parliament house n big ben.

people and more people.

the tower bridge.

n for those good hearted people to send me postage, roti canai and packets of mee goreng, here is my current address:

Room 3.13, Pembridge Hall,

30, Pembridge Gardens,

London W2 4DX.

if you have ever watched the movie ‘Notting Hill’, then you would have seen the Portobello Road and it’s market. well, that is 10 minutes away from where i reside. so if you ever end up in london, you know where to find me now : ) n bring me makan makan. n then we go clubbing together-gether : D

the london bus

have been wanting to write a post before i leave for some time now. in fact, the sole reason i started this blog was to note down my final days here in msia and those of the future in the UK.

in these recent weeks, i have had a fair amount of last gatherings, last dinners, last drinking sessions, last night outs, last mamak affairs and ultimately, last goodbyes. some people leave such an impression on you, those people in college, those from school. u can not help but wonder what will ever happen to them when they leave for foreign soil. how will they cope with all the thick accent. how will things change when people stare in awe at those lah, mah, yaloh, yameh, wei, y lidat wan so easily thrown around and understood back in msia. how the climate turns its back on u, chilling u to the bone throughout the night. u just can not help but wonder what will happen to u. how the change eventually catches up and hunts u down.

put simply, i am not one to succumb to change easily.

i like it when there is no one around to bother me if i choose to sleep till 3 in the afternoon. i enjoy being in the company of the handful of friends i hold close to my heart over a simple steamboat dinner, drinks over the white garden chairs that go so slowly and smoothly beside the bare tarmac, painted black with shadows of the waving trees ahead that go all the way into the early mornings.

i relish all those moments of laughter over talks of people that bear no relation to us, over those acts of utter stupidity, dumb and done after full doses of ultimate euphoria that follows with too much drinking. and the awkwardness that sometimes follows.

i like to ask the aneh with that squeaky, almost girlish voice at the mamak for ‘teh ais, roti canai garing‘ and bark if they serve me an over cooked, rubbery plate of flour covered in oil. i want to be left alone in the LRT so i can observe the working class people rush to get things done and the civil servants argue on which bowling alley to go to after their lunch break. i look forward to those yearly trips up and down the peninsular in the old camry, hours at a time, with nothing better to do than to lie back and fall asleep slowly, only to be greeted again with great food, the hot weather and sweat.

finally, i am beginning to understand the actual amount of things here that i will have to leave behind me. few days ago, my world was nothing more than late nights and astro and most recently Moonlight Resonance( lol i downloaded the whole series in one night! damn proud wei :p ). when the time came to pack, i was fairly disappointed at how little 40kg really is. it does not include all those roti canai and nasi lemak and bak kut teh and muruku and mee goreng. and it does not include my guitar. i tried stuffing everything in but ended up taking everything back out. taking those things out and leaving them behind makes me feel even more heavy hearted about leaving.

say, does anybody mind posting me bak kwa and those lovely love letter kuih thingy when CNY comes along? i shall be forever grateful and in your debt.

u know how people say good friends are not easy to come by? i promised to at least try to re-contact those long lost once-upon-a-time-really-good-friends before i leave. so far, it has not really paid off. but at least i can say i tried. sometimes just initiating conversation is all it takes, and yet sometimes i fail to do so for fear of awkwardness and the common syndrome of lost of things to talk about thereafter the usual stuff. in many ways, i enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. but of the many ways, i always fail to maintain that initial friendship. to carry it long enough to sustain it and to be able to say after months of silence, ‘how everything?’ and to be greeted first with the formalities of the academics continued with those of boy girl relationships and then the long list of bullshit and never ending phone calls.

i enjoy my alone-time very much. in fact, i enjoy it even more than forced conversation with people of a different mind set. n i guess in a way, this has shielded me somewhat from people.

i think i shall just have to make more noise around more people. n then scared everyone away while yelling chants = )

oh yeah, i was a shy and lonely boy in kindergarten. that sucks, now that i am thinking of it.

still want to be friends with me now? please? i’m friendly. REALLY

and then there are those times..

when i was in kindergarten,

mum n dad were there, they stood by the failing kid. he could not spell, he did not speak well, he was only interested in playing hide and seek. yet they were there. they yell, scolded, took out the cane, punished, just to knock some sense into the kid.

when i was in primary school,

his class was one of the worst. he did not care much about studying. you only get to be a kid once, n kids do not read books, they do not do homework, they simply play. that was all he did, and he was happy. his grades were down the drain. he failed badly in school. yet they were there. dad stayed up till late at night, trying so hard to encourage him to do his homework, working together through simple math and basic geography. his half opened eyes, so tired, so drowned with stress at work, now faced with an under-achieving son.

when i was in secondary school,

a young man in the making. with it came more responsibility, though he had no thoughts, no cares whatsoever about it. he lived his way, constantly going against the folks just to get what he wanted. so naive, so oblivious to what was right and those that were downright wrong. yet they were there. mum gave sound advice, comfort that warmed the inside. dad sacrificed his time just to make sure he had enough pencils for the exams, enough food before leaving for school, enough money should there be an emergency. he was the breadwinner, the driver, the teacher, the counselor, the walking ATM machine, the father and then some more. so much more.

when i was in college,

he thought he had set things right. thought he had earned his right, his own voice. demanded to be heard, desperate to impress. wisdom and advice felt on deaf ears, intentionally most of the time. this was the new age, times change, not like they were 30 years ago. he knew better, he knew everything. at least he thought he did. but when things started to fall apart, they were there. he could always fall back and count on them. mum and dad would be here, no matter what. they would help, regardless of the matter. he was their son, he would get the best they could give.

today,

mum and dad reassures that they can afford his education even if it meant living low for the next few years. it is what they have been saving for. it was their gift to him. suddenly, everything fell into play. he understood why they would rather save and cook at home than waste and dine at luxurious eateries. he understood why mum had never let him buy those deemed unnecessary, those that would set them back by the thousands. he understood why dad never bothered to change his old cellphone, and when he finally did, he bought the cheapest of the lot. it was their sacrifice. for him. just to give him the best they could.

post-mortem,

i have grown up in a family where respect and responsibility demands top priority.

when i was small, my parents held an iron grip on us, carefully making sure everything my sister and i did was correct, lawful, and safe. they poured much care into us, making sure everything was in place, tending to our needs, our yells over which cartoon was better, holding our hands to cross roads. up till today, my parents are still very actively involved in planning my future.

it was my dad that led me into the right path for education. he sought the best, banking on the fact that i would work hard enough to get myself there. he took time off, just to see that i was performing well. he bought books he thought would help. studying them, highlighting important points for me, explaining the laws of physics, the science of buildings and structures.

he waits patiently at home for me to get back, constantly worrying about my whereabouts, while i am out having fun with my friends. he voices his concerns and gives disapproving looks, but still lets me go in the end, telling me to stay alert on the road, to drive safety, to take care, and to come home early.

he encouraged me. he inspired me. ultimately, it was he who shaped the person that i am today. i daresay no one else could ever come close to doing what he has done for me. so here is to him. to a great man and a great father.

sometimes i fail to show just how much i appreciate you. sometimes i hide how relieved i actually am that you have forgiven me. sometimes i just can not tell you how much it means to me, the things that you have done for me. n sometimes i do not voice just how grateful i am to be your son. n then there are those times when you give me that look, telling me its alright. that its ok. and it lifts all those concrete off my shoulders, killing the fear inside of me, knowing that i have you behind me. thank you, dad.

call me bond. james bond.

now, most people know my name by the sight of it. they spot it n go,

‘Ah! Yes, that guy. Now, how do I say it?’

it being my name of course. Chin Guozheng. can u say it? say my name! : ) bet u’ll get it wrong the first time. which does not really matter anymore, considering almost everyone says it either completely wrongly or completely out of tune most of the time. n not to bother u so much about it as it does me, after 19 years, i have accustomed to the mistakes of it because all i really need to know is just whether or not you are calling me.

in the many years of self introductory n the awkardness of it when people realise they can not actually pronounce my name properly n excuse themselves for asking again, i have gone by the names of Cow-Chen, Cow-Chang, Ku-Chen, Ko-Chun, Go-Sen, Gou-Sen, n lots more which frankly i can not be bothered to remember. so, how do u say it? the answer, although easy, is unfortunately not one that can be explained here. i actually have to say it out to u, which makes things so much more complicated…

so those who have managed to keep in touch with me lately would by now know that i shall be leaving msia for the UK to study in a matter of weeks. n one particular thing that has been on mind lately is, well, my name. the chinese one. see, if it is already difficult for u people in msia to pronouce it correctly, how the hell can i expect the english to say it properly? hence, i have decided to get an english name. which solves everything. i hope. no worries then. lol

armed with the internet, i sought to find names. n look at what i found!

Adolph – uses very clever humour which nobody else laughs at.

Adrian – usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.

Aidan – Quiet, shy, and yet the girls love him.

Aiden – Quiet, shy and yet the boys love him.

Andrew – Intelligent yet not as much as he thinks, severely stuck up .

Angelo – Womaniser as a hobby, will eventually settle down with a boyfriend.

Baron – Reads SAS books, wants to go out and shoot something or somebody.

Barry – lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.

Casey – quiet, spends a lot of time wearing his sisters clothes.

Charles – can’t trust him, eyes too close together.

Danny – Wears stylish clothes and has silky women’s underwear beneath them.

Dave – extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a wanker.

Dean – full of himself and thinks with his dick.

Dennis – either very nice to girls or a faggot.

Derek – has a great sense of humour, and a blow-up doll collection.

Ethan – used in hospitals when the anesthetist isn’t in.

Fraser – sucks pigs dicks & swallows the lot.

Graham – will screw anything that moves.

Grahame – thinks he’s better than other Grahams because he has an extra ‘e’.

Howard – likes small-breasted women and pornography.

Ian – likes to stuff animals and dress up in women’s clothing.

Izzy – circumcised, but they threw away the wrong bit.

Jimmy – Goes to the toilet twice a night, doesn’t always get up for it.

Madison – so far up his own arse there’s no room for his boyfriend.

Nathan – stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.

Nick – enjoys basic sex but can’t get past the missionary position.

Noel – only goes out with girls so that he can steal their clothes.

Richard – hasn’t seen his feet or his penis in years, very fat.

Sam – wannabe sex machine.

Sean – thinks he’s James Bond, in reality a dipstick.

Travis – fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.

Wade – huge bloke, people jog round him and have to stop halfway for a rest.

while this is all very funny, i admit, it is just for laughs. lol. u can get the complete list here.

now coming back to topic, i have narrowed down ( randomly taken ) a few names that i have found considerable as my own. n they are :

Chris

Dan

Ethan

Nathan

Shane

Victor

a little help choosing? comments!

ps. it does not have to be from the list btw. i am open to others so long as it sounds goooooooood.

a goodbye to a lim

‘It’s my chair! I was here after you left! So now it’s mine!!’

were the first words.

‘I was just talking to people at the table beside! I left my bag and pencils and bottle here! It’s my spot!!’

was the first answer.

even she might not remember this, but this was the first time i had meet the infamous. that was in standard 5. i was a transfer student, 5A being my first class. n my first high decibel encounter was with this classmate. thick glasses, n a horrendously looking hair (by today’s standards). standing almost as tall as i was, she fought over the table n the chair i was so comfortably in. finally i gave in. this was esther then. always pushing for what she wants. funny thing, i vaguely remember zheng hwuang, elaine n esther literally pushing me off the chair. lol

how times have changed. for the better. the esther i know today surpasses all that i used to think about what the future esther would be. come tomorrow morning, she leaves msia for cornell. a place where i could have joined her were i not rejected lol. last sunday saw a farewell. probably the last i will see of her for the next few months. but rest assured, i will always remember u n the red gap shirt u wore that i so wanted to buy but did not have the cash. damn! haha

now i think back at the years spent in class, from the kiddie years of form 1 to the birthday celebrations during math class in our senior years, to the pranks 5 Science One played so happily n dutifully during history when we locked pn salina out n english when we resheduled mrs liew’s timetable instantly to teach the next class, n right after extra classes on saturdays when esther was always the first person to chao lo. lol i remember your bossiness when u were head prefect, your loud, clear audible voice in the morning from the field next to the bio lab disturbing the peace, always asking people (me) to cut their hair even when they just did the day before, how pissed u were at jason for eating in class n how funny it was to be watching. i remember the jokes and stupid topics chi foong u n i brought up behind the bio lab when class was in front. how we made so much noise n still managed to laugh it off after glares from shamsul. n then there were the singing with people in the table in front (ikram, natalie n sharon i think?) during bm class in the bio lab, all the lab scandals involving jaywin n the pictures of it taken lol. i remember gestures of u, so unique, so funny at times, so lame yet still quintessentially the trademark of esther lim.

wish i could say more. urm, i am still your ah ma! lol ah i will not be sending u off at the airport due to high fuel costs n if a terrorist does not hijack airplanes with me in it n if i do not fly qantas planes that have holes in it, i certainly will come visiting. then we can go makan makan in the US, u can belanja. : )

photos of birthdays n gatherings

i forgot to post these. had a 5 Science 1 gathering in 1U sometime ago. hehe some pictures are funny.

then there are those from su yen’s belated birthday celebration at tony roma’s

someone to save me

so, results are out. i think it is fair to say that i am one lucky person. got what i need, deserved what i got. i am content : )  i guess i am off for the UK then. imperial awaits my arrival. ahhh.. my last 2 months in msia!

now that i am in a more relaxed mood i shall rant about my past doings for the last few days.

went to maison on fri, same day the olympic had the opening. blardy empty, i think there were less than 15, 20 people( not including the staff ) inside when we went in. n it was already 11. so we sat, pathetically, waited, drank a little, watch the sad, empty dance floor, look up to the dj n then back again at the dance floor n then at each other. lol n that is how the night progressed for another hour or so until people started pouring in. still at the end of it, it was not even full. sometime that night, jaywin n i had, according to him, satay celup outside maison. first it sounded kind of weird, at least it did inside when he said it to me while the music was blaring. i literally thought it was satay that u celup into something. when we got there, it was just pieces of meat on skewers that u dip into boiling water n consume with chili, peanut or yong tau foo sauce. now i know what those things are called. the funny part comes when jaywin starts talking while we were there waiting for our food to cook. cause i guessed by that time he was already high, he would have lost control of his verbal skills. so he was talking a lot. more than he usually does. which, in a way that u must know him to fully understand, is very unusual n funny at the same time. damn, wished i had pictures of it lol.

first week on msian soil, n he’s back at it again where he left. lol

the younger one

the older one

right. so after a while i got a really smart idea that i wanted to tell everyone. n i am going to happily share it here lol. ahem ahem… got it while taking in fresh air outside. see, the reason why maison was empty was because of the olympic opening ceremony where almost everyone sat in front of their tv screens at home watching it. that is why no one bothered to leave their houses to enjoy kl’s nightlife. but had maison put out a banner stating, OLYMPIC SCREENING SPECIAL AT MAISON, i bet my bottom bucks maison would have been full by the time we got it. cause, since u get the screening of the opening ceremony of the most anticipated games, plus the kl nightlife, u hit two birds with one stone. then everyone would be happily partying while watching the opening ceremony at the same time. at that time, it seem a great idea n i went around telling people ( i wanted to tell the management at one point ). at that time too, as i am inclined to think now, i might have been a little high lol

sunday saw a little farewell party for upcoming Cornell student, SSB head prefect, Miss Esther Lim!, who is leaving us for the US on friday morning. the party went slow even when i got there with elaine n su yen n ching shen happily discussing their a-level results at which time i had no idea of mine. then everyone started to talk. the usual stuff. then we played some very confusing games in which i had absolutely no idea who i was. then fast forward we were at the goodbye session. everyone had their say, esther too. she did a rather short speech about people there, n zheng hwuang was ‘touching laa’ all the way lol. i have a video of it. not of zheng hwuang, but the speech

heee trademark smile : D

of the all photos taken during those years, the laughther shared, the akward moments enjoyed, the gestures given n returned, the times when esther got angry, the times when she went blank, the times when she raised her voice at jason for eating in class, the stupid jokes spilled behind the bio lab when class was in front n the singing too, the times we tried n finally succeed in getting esther into a club just to take pictures for evidence sake, the times we tried n finally still failed to get esther to drink lol, the smiles n smirks, n all the waves of goodbye on sun night especially, we will definately miss u esther. i know i will. mayb i shud write a post about u eh? hehe

lick my wounds

currently listening to : Come Home – OneRepublic

i do not feel good. in fact, i feel terrible. my heart is heavy, my eyes are tired, n i can hardly find the strength to pull through. my results are supposedly out, but i have no idea about any of it. feeling in the gut tells me it might not be what i want, or even what i need.. confidence deprived, hope is slightly lost n is declining at breakneck speed. damn, what about the future? what if? what then? what now…

everything i have done in the past month n a half, if it is anything to be considered anyway, was to avoid this. avoid clouding my mind with the possibility of falling, the expectations of my folks, failure. suddenly life sucks…